How Introverts Communicate: 10 Tips on Talkin...

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
How Introverts Communicate
10 Tips on Talking to People with Introverted Personality Traits
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Nov 29, 2007Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
An introvert's communication style is different than an extrovert's. Here are suggestions on communicating with people who have introverted personality traits.

Introverted personality traits and types are different than extroverted personality types in three major ways, according to Dr Marti Olsen Laney in The Introvert Advantage. Introverts are energized by their inner worlds while extroverts are energized by outer worlds. That is, introverts get their energy from themselves – their ideas, emotions and impressions. Extroverts get their energy from people, activities, and things outside of themselves.
Introverted personality types don’t thrive on a variety of stimuli, while extroverts do. Introverts tend to gain experience with a narrow, in-depth focus. Extroverted personality types tend to get experience and knowledge through a wide variety of people, places and things.
Introverts may like people very much, but find it draining to be around anyone too long. People with introverted personality traits feel overwhelmed more quickly than extroverts do - especially in group settings.
How Introverts Communicate
In The Introvert Advantage, Dr Laney says that introverts tend to:
Keep energy, enthusiasm and excitement to themselves. Introverts hesitate before sharing personal information. Need time to think before they respond. Introverts need time to reflect before reacting. Prefer communicating one to one. People with introverted personality traits don’t like parties and groups as much as extroverts do. May occasionally think they told you something they didn’t, because they’re “always going over things in their head.” Need to be invited to speak or be drawn out. Introverts tend to prefer written over verbal communication.
10 Tips on Talking to People with Introverted Personality Traits
These tips on talking to introverts work well with anybody – introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between!
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Set a time to discuss big issues. This gives introverts time to prepare their thoughts. Let introverts talk – don’t interrupt. “It takes energy for introverts to start talking again,” says Dr Laney in The Introvert Advantage. Occasionally communicate in writing. Introverts may prefer written communication because it’s less stimulating. Ask questions, such as what happened during the day. Introverts may need to be drawn out. Give them a chance to talk. Offer silence, which may prompt people with introverted personality traits to share their thoughts. Be comfortable with silence. Introverts generally like it quiet – but they also enjoy spending time with others. Quietly. Repeat what you heard them say. Ask introverts if your summary was accurate. Use nonverbal communication. According to Laney, shoulder pats, hand holding, kisses on the cheek are effective ways to “talk” to people with introverted personality traits. Appreciate how much energy it takes introverts to be with people – whether it’s a group or just you. Show your appreciation. Get comfortable with a different conversational pace. Learn to value how introverts communicate - because it is different than people with extroverted personality traits!
If you found How Introverts Communicate: Talking to People With Introverted Personality Traits helpful, try:
A Test for Introverted Personality TraitsIntroverts Aren't Highly SensitiveThe Introvert's Personality TraitsTips for Networking Successfully for Introverts

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How Introverts Communicate

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49 Comments
Comments
Sep 2, 2008 10:23 AM
Guest :
Summer:
I think it's quiet good in fact. However, I guess people in general don't like introverts or they think they're not what they look to be. This is a very odd position, particularly for a group talk (or group socialization). I can't lie (quiet a statement, i know) and so called extroverts do it very easily an with confidence. If lying makes me an extrovert, i prefer to be an introvert for life.

Sep 5, 2008 9:30 AM
Guest :
Why is this written as if being an introvert is some abnormal disease? Obviously written by an extrovert.

Sep 23, 2008 8:12 AM
Guest :
SOUNDS VERY ACCURATE TO ME

Sep 27, 2008 11:44 AM
Guest :
I'm an introvert, not an alien. I am not slow. I'm okay, YOU are okay, IN SMALL DOSES! Sure, I am a friendly introvert, on MY TERMS. We as introverts CHOOSE when we wish to engage, period. Everyone seems to think that we introverts will be just fine with extroverts... and that extroverts are our perfect love match as well, HOGWASH. My husband is a bigger introvert than me, and that's really saying something. We are both deeply introverted and we LOVE It that way. All three kids are also deeply introverted. We simply wish to be left alone, we will choose when we want to engage in social activity. Usually work is MORE than enough!! We can all be in the same house together, doing our own thing, NOT CHATTERING AWAY AND ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF ONE ANOTHER. We rarely, if EVER, turn on the TV, but we love music. The phone is only a necessary EVIL. We are annoyed by those of you who need constant attention and drama.... who can't seem to focus and stay on task. We are even more annoyed by those of you who are pushy, bossy and want to be in our personal space all the time. Introverts love peace, quiet, and non confrontational interactions. NO EXCEPTIONS. If you can't relate to that, we won't relate to you.

Oct 1, 2008 2:00 AM
Guest :
This article makes introverts sound like retarded puppies. And I'm pretty sure I'm not a retarded puppy.

Oct 9, 2008 8:07 AM
Guest :
i liked the fact that you got the quiet part, and the part where we don't usually just talk and talk

Oct 20, 2008 9:19 AM
Guest :
Previous commenter mentioned this makes us sound like retarded puppies. You're spot on Rover.
This is just so annoying that introverts are presented as inferior & weird all the time.
Many extroverts are constantly seeking other people's approval and it can come across as rather desperate, they are frequently ego-maniacs too, looking for compliments and admiration. Introverts are often too busy with their own thoughts and lives to want to waste time talking rubbish and massaging someones ego

Oct 23, 2008 5:19 AM
Guest :
Umm.. WHy do i feel so insulted when i read this article? I'm an introvert.

Oct 25, 2008 11:28 AM
Guest :
i agree with the other comments - this article is pretty insulting to introverted people - the FACT is everyone is introverted and EVERYONE is extroverted - it totally depends on the situation and your state.
INTROVERSION IS A MYTH
thoughts please

Oct 26, 2008 5:56 PM
Guest :
im an introvert to me this kinda makes introverts sound stupid im not stupid im just not good at talking to people and making eye contact in public.

Oct 27, 2008 12:41 AM
Guest :
This article isn't really insulting, more or less a little vague. I would say the characteristics are about 90% correct, but the way it's being described is just rude.
Honestly, I just don't like to be around most people because I find their presence and sometimes demeanor offensive. Even if I know them.

Oct 29, 2008 2:54 AM
Guest :
Shoulder pats work on me only if it's by someone intimate (e.g. family). In public it has an adverse effect.

Nov 2, 2008 8:25 PM
Guest :
the article is only "insulting" because we've been conditioned since childhood that introverted behavior is wrong or weird. it's not! I LOVE being an introvert! I really wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, it is so frustrating at times though... :)

Nov 11, 2008 12:54 PM
Guest :
its ur opinion still but im an introvert n i agree wid some points u make but not all :)

Nov 23, 2008 10:03 AM
Guest :
Hey, I think that this makes quite a bit of seance. I recently found out that I am an introvert as well. I don't get offended by this, it's actually quite helpful on helping me understand why I am the way I am. But, that's just how I fee.

Dec 10, 2008 8:44 PM
Guest :
This article is very accurate and I agree with most of it. It is neither insulting nor degrading. If people think that I am weird because I'm an introvert so be it. Why would I want to be like those loud and annoying persons who only chatter away inanely? Not to say that I don't enjoy their company now and then but too much is a pain. You guys need to accept yourselves. The article says we internalise and deliberate over our actions, how is that stupid?

Dec 10, 2008 9:04 PM
Kwan :
this article is mostly accurate and it does not make me feel alien, insulted, retarded or like an animal. i don't see a reason to be insulted. the truth is the truth. these tendencies described are, for the most part, those that i have. i accept my weirdness as described by others. i do not want to be the type of person to be speak needlessly. i do apreciate solitude and silence.

Dec 29, 2008 11:31 PM
Guest :
I've never really thought about it, but this artocle just decribed my personality exactly.
Good read

Jan 2, 2009 12:03 PM
Guest :
I would not recommend touching as a method of communication with introverts, unless you know them very well. Myself included, I cannot think of (m?)any introverts I know that would appreciate being touched. Really, just don't. It's an unnecessary invasion of space.

Jan 5, 2009 3:53 AM
Guest :
I know a lot of people are offended by this but I wouldn't say it was incorrect, perhaps, just not put forward very well. Admittedly it does make us sound inferior and slow minded to the outsider... but it is mostly correct. As for the whole nonverbal communication, I find them all too forward for an Introvert. Actions shown, perhaps, like small gestures would be appreciated but any shoulder pats and onward, outside of my family unit, well, i'd be made to feel very uncomfortable. Not advisable at all.

Jan 9, 2009 8:00 PM
Guest :
As an introvert I don't find this article insulting, though I'm not sure I'd recommend touching either- honestly that seems to be a classic extroverted thing to do!

Jan 21, 2009 6:24 PM
Guest :
I agree with the previous comment more or less. The article describes me pretty well, although it can insulting to some. But knowing myself and my characteristics is always a good thing. Every human being is different in their own way, you dont need to be superior or inferior to others. However, problems do arise when mixing introvert and extrovert people, as in my case my wife is extrovert. In such case understanding the characteristics of introvert and extrovert may strengthen understanding towards each other.

Jan 27, 2009 11:30 PM
Guest :
Is it typical of an introvert to be offended with any examination of his characteristics?

Feb 27, 2009 1:08 PM
Guest :
Don't feel insulted...I am an extrovert and there were alot of things I envy you for if you an introvert...Waiting to answer til you think it through.UMMM Not me, I react to quick. Being the one to be careful what I say, I wear not only my heart on my sleeve, but everything else.
I could go on. But this article struck me as introverts may be shy but it also says alot about having wisdom and self control. This is not always the case with introverts. But for the most part that is what I took from this article so be proud!

Feb 27, 2009 7:48 PM
Guest :
I don't find this offensive either, nor does it make introverts sound retarded. People forget that there's different types of introverts, so not everyone is going to fit into the same bucket. No point throwing a hissy fit if a particular article doesn't describe you the way you want it to.

Mar 16, 2009 8:48 PM
Guest :
I am definitely an introvert, but I am the interesting and eccentric type. I think extroverts are shallow and never think twice before they speak. Extroverts are weirder than introverts in that they go against nature - the fact that we have one mouth and two ears means we should listen more than we speak, but extroverts do the opposite. Most introverts are highly intelligent people who uses their brain more than extroverts.

Mar 18, 2009 11:02 AM
Guest :
I agree with most of the people on here. This is seemingly an extreme view of someone incompetent, paranoid and self-centered. This is not common among introverts. It's rather disrespectful.

Mar 23, 2009 1:02 PM
Guest :
Ignore this article, heres what you have to know:
1.If you're friendly, you'll be fine
2.Make the first move yourself
3.Dont pressure us into anything, but make us feel invited
4.There are many different kinds of introverts, from shy people who have accepted that they are just happier when they're alone to people who are just a little insecure and need to warm up to you first.
5.I know i would personally prefer a group of 3-5 rather than 1 on 1, that's less pressure and attention put on me and i feel more comfortable and relaxed.
6.As has been said before, we AREN'T mentally hadicaped, we AREN'T crippled, we just think differently than other people, so don't treat us like we're half braindead or toddlers, just keep an open mind when you try to talk to us and don't get offended, because we usually don't mean to be rude or insulting.

Jun 2, 2009 3:51 PM
Guest :
omg i think this article is so good. i mean i always thought that i was so weird bcuz im so quiet and i like being alone but now i finally know thats its normal and its ok 2 b different.

Jun 7, 2009 8:40 AM
Guest :
i think the characteristics of interovert are not defined properly here.
-- interoverts are not energiged by their innerworld. If that is the case, every great thinker who made history in relegion, science etc etc were all introverts.
Then who are introverts. They are the one who 'keeps' their opinion to themselves. Not easily available to comment on any subject of discussion. Possibly not very clear of their thoughts (its not a major sign though). Hesitant to open up. That's all. They sure need someone to roll them off.
Extroverts are basically fearless ppl, who dont worry abt what ppl might say when they give their opinion about a subject. Sometimes these are the ppl who turn out good candidate for leaders. Although not necessarily good leaders.
Both introverts & extroverts are susceptible to external circumstances. So they both sure will react to whatever happens in the external world & form up their opinions.

Jun 24, 2009 7:49 PM
Guest :
I've been dating this girl for two plus years now and I've only just discovered that she is an introvert and I am an extrovert which probably explains why we can never seem to get along anymore. I like TV, she doesn't, i like social activities, she doesn't and so on. I've tried very hard to understand why our relationship is not working and I think I may have found the answer. I'm not judging her introverted personality but I feel like we are trying to fit a "square peg in a round hole".

Jun 27, 2009 9:15 AM
Guest :
I'm about half and half. As an introvert, I DO get my energy "from within myself" and I am easily worn out by large groups. However, like an extrovert, I often enjoy having long and meaningful conversations (but not small talk!), I DO seek the approval of others (probably social conditioning from trying to fit in with extroverts!) and I am stimulated by many different things (I have a TON of hobbies and I love to travel!).
I think introversion/extroversion are more like two ends of a scale rather than black & white qualities. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle.

Jul 7, 2009 4:41 PM
Guest :
I am introverted and intelligent. This might be a good way for someone close to me to approach me with a subject "I do not wish to talk about." Touching is not a good idea. That one just doesn't even make sense.

Jul 15, 2009 11:13 PM
Guest :
All of us introverts came to this page for one reason. We wanted to get some ideas on how to communicate with extroverts(annoying small talk).
Extroverts have clearly spent years trying to make us feel flawed for not behaving like they do, our contempt was clearly displayed by overly defensive behavior from some of the earlier comments.
It's too bad we didnt all live in the same area where we could finally seperate ourselves from extroverts. Having to be around them all the time gets annoying.

Jul 22, 2009 11:46 PM
Guest :
It's already been said, but for the love of God, Do Not Touch!

Jul 31, 2009 3:49 PM
Guest :
I'm so glad I found this website. For the longest time I thought I was just weird and needed to change. I thought I needed counseling or some medication to help me come out of my shell. I'm glad I finally decided to do research. I have to admit that the article above made me laugh, but I read a few of the other other articles and I have a lot of the traits, so it's official.

Aug 10, 2009 9:28 PM
Guest :
The reason this article feels insulting to some of us introverts is not necessarily because the information is inaccurate, but because it gives the impression of introverts as beings to be tolerated, and that these certain compensatory actions are needed in order to interact with us--an awkward pat on the shoulder or contrived, intruding questions. People need to stop being so wrapped up in these labels.
live and let live

Aug 26, 2009 9:28 AM
Guest :
It sounds like all of the introverts on here are just being overly sensitive. They way you are responding to this article is what makes you seem retarded. You are all hypocrites because you are expressing your intolerance for extroverts but you expect us the to sugar coat our opinions for you. This article is just giving advise to make you more comfortable and make communitcation better between to very different personalities but you find away to see the negative in the situation. Calm down and take a chill pill.

Aug 31, 2009 11:34 AM
Guest :
Wow, at first i understand why ppl found this so offences.
But after reading it, i too found it very offences.
Not saying the whole thing was wrong. I just find it very
misleading and misinform.

Sep 3, 2009 1:57 PM
Guest :
is it possible to change from introvert to extrovert,? I have always been an introvert, i always had a problem with it till i started to accept it. when I had a problem with it I tried to be like an outgoing extrovert and it felt good to have all my friends laugh at all my jokes and other ppl too but I kind of felt like I was trying to prove i was a wonderful person you should get to know. I got this job at burger king and the customers are ass holes when all i do is act polite. so i've grown bitter about people , i tend to feel drained but i blame it on my school and work but the truth is i really enjoy being with just one other person. i love to talk about the human mind and about problems with my friend, i like to analyze the situation the words ,expressions the thioughts of everything ,i pay aattention to detail and i love to have meaning full conversations...which brings me to my next point when I use to conversate with people I use to be witty, i use to crack jokes that were actually clever or cute or funy....and i could almost sense the happy from them and i loved it but now i feel like I can't laugh like an honest laugh one of those laughs wheree u can't stop laughing...i never loked at myself as a serious person and now im wondering what has happened to me...i miss myself :[

Sep 3, 2009 7:44 PM
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :
Hi,
Yes, I think it is possible to change from introverted to extroverted personality traits, but I think if you do that, you run the risk of not being true to who you are.
I've written several articles about introverted personality traits and self-acceptance. The best way to find them is to go to my Psychology blog, and start with my most recent article about introverts.
To get to those articles, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to "A Letter From an Introvert." You can also find it in the August, 2009 list on the side panel.
I've written tons of tips for introverts; you just need to do a little digging! Also – you said you “miss yourself”, which makes me think that you might need to learn about authenticity and finding your personal identity.
If you read these articles about introverts and still want to become more extroverted, just post a comment here. I’ll write an article about it and leave you a note here.
I wish you all the best as you explore the world of introverts!
Laurie

Sep 12, 2009 10:13 AM
Guest :
OMG!! I wish all the introverts commenting would get a grip!! They obviously are VERY sensitive!! "I'm not supid".... "I'm not abnormal"...wah wah wah!! I'm thankful for the article. As an extrovert I'm trying to learn how to deal with the biggest introvert in my life, MY DAD!!! And he sure isn't beating down my door to try to convey how he feels or why he does what he does. I feel like I'm dealing with a baby or a spoiled child sometimes. Thanks for the article I am going to try some of the tips.

Sep 16, 2009 9:20 PM
Guest :
I've got to agree -- a lot of introverts are major whiners. I think it's because they spend so much time thinking about themselves. Hint: "Centered on the self" just means self-centered.
Look folks, you do have a disorder, no matter what niceties people want to put on it. You can pretend all you want...heck there are "fat pride" groups and all sorts of other communities that can make you feel normal. But here's the deal -- you aren't. That's just the stats. And what's more, you aren't, on average, very happy. And being around you doesn't exactly bring out joy in the 70+% of the population who are extroverts.
And first poster here on extroverts being liars! Typical introvert deflection and denial. Here's another tip, most of us extroverts don't trust introverts because you all have to think so damn ling before you talk. What are you afraid you might say? It comes accross as slimy and devious...and at best self centered. A normal person (aka extrovert) is willing to speak off the cuff ... from our own perspective we are far more honest. And if you actually "can't" lie that's a symptom of autism, not introversion, so see a psychiatrist for some help.
You know why we're pissed? The self-centered whining grates on our nerves. Get over yourselves. Hell, take a social psych or interpersonal communication course and see how interpersonal connections are what hold society together and maintain psychological health. Stop trying to justify a personality problem and get some help.

Sep 19, 2009 10:35 PM
Guest :
I agree with it all. I am an introvert, and I have a quite extroverted friend who can suck the energy from me. I can't sleep over two nights with her. We tried once, and it ended up in fights. We tend to fight a lot since she always inturupts me. For example, there was a time when she did ask me how I was. Thinking she saw hoe distressed I was, I told her I had a bad night. I had a lot to tell her, but threw one sentence she starts talking about a tattoo... I am still fighting with her today. I even brought up once how she doesnt appreciate me. I doubt she even hurd me. And she's jealous of a relationship I have with another introvert. (I'm also known to exaggerate stories, and get my facts wrong. Only from my constant imagination.)

Sep 19, 2009 10:43 PM
Guest :
Hahaha, after reading the comments I believe an extrovert needs to put some insight in. But they are probably all at social events! Im introvert. and i think this article is fine. not too vague or whatever. ntroverts only appear different because they are always on their own. So whoever meets you and says "your a shy one." that immediatly says that they are extrovert. and simply don't understand what it means to be that way. I believe that introverts only appear different because extroverts have so many other extrovert friends. Hahaha.

Sep 19, 2009 10:50 PM
Guest :
Well, I have another opinion on this article and the comments...
The reason why there is more extroverts than introverts is because suicides are always caused by a inner soft spoken person. They'll believe no one understands them after all their tries with communicating. Those tries end up fatal since they are opening up to the wrong people. Open up to other people who don't talk. Speakers don't understand the quiet.

Sep 23, 2009 8:12 PM
Guest :
A few comments from the other side of the aisle:
1. Set a time to discuss big issues. This gives introverts time to prepare their thoughts.
Sounds fair.
2. Let introverts talk – don’t interrupt. “It takes energy for introverts to start talking again,” says Dr Laney in The Introvert Advantage.
It takes energy for extroverts to restrict their language in this way. Introverts often consider it interruption because they have "paused" but their pause is so long it represents a full stop in the extrovert world. And among many extroverts finishing one another's sentences is not only acceptable, but desirable. The burden on the extrovert is just as great.
3. Occasionally communicate in writing. Introverts may prefer written communication because it’s less stimulating.
Again, fair. A little of each.
4. Ask questions, such as what happened during the day. Introverts may need to be drawn out.
The problem here is that introverts in general don't have as much interest in other people as exroverts. You draw one out and they will keep talking about themselves, but often won't show much enthusiasm for what the extrovert has to say. Being quiet is not being interested and a one-sided relationship hurts.
5. Give them a chance to talk...
Fair, if it doesn't lead to the problems of #4.
6. Be comfortable with silence. Introverts generally like it quiet – but they also enjoy spending time with others. Quietly.
Why should we be comfortable with silence? That's like saying to an introvert "be comfortable with talking".
7. Repeat what you heard them say. Ask introverts if your summary was accurate.
Now this is just getting burdensome.
8. Use nonverbal communication. According to Laney, shoulder pats, hand holding, kisses on the cheek are effective ways to “talk” to people with introverted personality traits.
First make sure this introvert is not also on the autism spectrum or this could really backfire.
9. Appreciate how much energy it takes introverts to be with people – whether it’s a group or just you. Show your appreciation.
And introverts should appreciate what it takes for us to talk to them.
10. Get comfortable with a different conversational pace. Learn to value how introverts communicate - because it is different than people with extroverted personality traits!
Do they "appreciate" the exrovert style? All I hear is accusations that extroverts just "talk to hear the sound of their own voice".

Sep 29, 2009 6:03 PM
Guest :
"You are all hypocrites because you are expressing your intolerance for extroverts but you expect us the to sugar coat our opinions for you."
I've got to agree...I find introvert sites filled with this type of hypocrisy. They whine and whine about how they are misunderstood and then go right on to talk about how extroverts "talk just to hear there own voices" or are shallow or rudely interrupt or just like to be the center of attention.
But these introverts can't get over themselves because that's just the problem...they think too damn much about themselves. And the self delusion is astounding. If I hear one more self-centered introvert say what a "good listener" they are when we all know they get bored hearing more than 3 sentences from another human I'll just...god, I don't even know what. These are the most frustrating people.

Oct 5, 2009 6:43 PM
Guest :
Wow there seems to be a few angry extroverts making comments on this article. I can understand their frustraton, god knows dragging an introvert into a conversation is like pulling teeth (for both parties). But insults? Really? If you don't want to talk to introverts DONT!!! Believe me they will silently thank you for leaving them alone!
As for this article, its asinine. Period. There is no speciel recipe you can use to get an introvert to talk to you. All it takes is some time and patience, and if you don't have that then feel free to move on. And please please please don't touch them!!! Not only is it an invasion of their personal space, but they will also spend the next couple of days wondering why you touched them!!

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